Yesterday we attended the funeral and cremation of Mrs M's brother. Two points are causing her a great deal of anguish. He died on the 28th July, but as it was his mother's 93rd birthday (she is frail and was unable to attend), she has been told that he died on the 29th, and the service programme will be altered to show that date. Mrs M thinks this is wrong to do. Should she tell her mother the truth?

Her brother's ashes are due to be scattered on the country footpath which he was fond of using. Mrs M wants them to be kept and a memorial placed where she can leave flowers. Is this reasonable? Your comments please.

_________________
I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.

Directmail scam information site: http://astrocat.proboards.com/index.cgi?

1st of all, sorry to hear the news.

regarding the thoughts of telling her, to be honest and without being nasty, 93 is a good age for anybody. you never know how much time she has left and is it really worth upsetting her ta that age any further?
i suppose the answer lies in what Mrs M's brother would have wanted to do, would he have told her or not, if the answer is not then leave it that way.
my missus's uncle was killed at the age of 30 in a road accident during work, on the back of a coppers motorbike. it was on her brothers birthday as well. i do know that every year her bro is down due to remembering losing their uncle on his b-day. so in a nutshell, it has ruined his life's b-days as well as a life.

regarding the ashes etc, maybe it's worth the two of them getting together and talking this over. i see no reason why it can't be a compromise.

good luck in your search for the correct answer and i offer my condolences to the family.

One thing I've seen a few times round here (we're in quite a rural area) is that relatives who have lost someone have provided a bench or something similar inscribed with the loved ones name. These are often placed on a footpath or overlooking a view which the deceased enjoyed.

I think they serve quite well as a place to go and "visit" the deceased.

If you get hold of the Enviroment Dept at the local council they might be able to advise you. If they have Countryside Wardens or anything similar, they'd be the ideal people to talk to. Failing that, the local councillor for the relevant ward would know how to navigate the inevitable red tape maze.

Mooncat, sorry about the bad news...

Q1 - Don't tell the old girl. I'm with Rich Ando on this one. What they don't know won't hurt them and it's bad enough outliving your kids without this being added to it.

Q2 - You MUST totally and utterly follow the dying wishes of the person. If Mrs M's brother didn't make that particular wish and it's relatives interpreting stuff it gets more complicated.

I'd then support Inky's bench idea for the memorial and still scatter the ashes near the bench. This is definitely the best compromise.

Hope it gets sorted without any family in-fighting

_________________
Nothing you do is a waste of time - especially if it can be used as a bad example by others...

You can have a memorial at the crem for a few pounds, and still scatter the ashes.

_________________
If you feel you have benefited from the Free advice given on the Forum, Please consider making a donation to UHM's Nominated charity, read all about it and donate here :

donnas-dream-house-charity-t52110.html

Sorry about the news, life is a bitch sometimes parents should never have to see their children buried.

My Brother did with his son aged 35, bloody cancer!
My Mum was as upset for him losing a son, as losing a grandson.

I think people need a focal point as a memorial, when my Dad died a few years back no one told Mum that they could have a spot dedicated for his ashes and hers, when she goes.
It is something she now wishes she had known, and has a few regrets about.

People grieve in different ways, give her time to come up with the best option.


John

_________________
Growing old is compulsory, growing up is not!

Only a day out. Forget it!

When my father died I signed up the death notice. It had to include his date of birth. I couldn't remember it because when I was a kid and asked him his age he always said he was 21. No relatives would answer the phone either (I was in Leicester, 140 miles from home).

So I had a decent lunch in the Grand Hotel, bottle of wine and finished off with a large cognac (I was travelling by train). Still couldn't raise anyone so I thought (being somewhat inebriated) "F'k it, I'll guess it". Got it a year wrong didn't I?

Would have got away with it except that one of his siblings (he had nine) started asking questions because another must have been conceived before my father had been born.

_________________
I should be dead; I've cheated the Grim Reaper yet again by surviving my third heart attack in June.

My condolences to your wife Mooncat.

I agree with Sluggster and Rich, why tell the old the dear, it will still hurt her thinking he died the day after her birthday, but not as much as on her birthday.


If Mrs M wants the ashes buried near her, then let her do it, at least she will have somewhere to go and pay her respects.
I wouldnt want any of my immediate families ashes scattered willy nilly, I would want them close by in a garden, or a plot.

_________________
I would rather want something I dont have, that have something I dont want